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So today I must admit….I’m really feelin’ some kinda way….I am having a tough time explaining this thing called love and marriage….does it even exist to begin with or is it some illusion-ed fantasy that only happens in our minds….
I pass by couples on the street and I wonder – is this for show? When they get behind closed doors to they fight to a bloody pulp like Mr. & Mrs. Smith? LOL…I really wonder….
a little background….from the moment my husband and I laid eyes on each other there was an instant click…..not even a physical attraction…it was like more of an understanding of hearts…..from that moment we became close friends…he knew the emotional side of me…..a lot of people didn’t know that. Mainly because I vowed through past incidences that I wouldn’t allow anyone to get close enough to hurt me……
….2 years later…I married him….and it was the most exhilarating joy ride of my life! I mean, a husband that was my best friend – I didn’t even think it was possible…..and then….something happened…..1 year later and I’m fighting to find a reason to stay….have I begun to grow in my own way?….did we wear out our whirlwind love too soon?…..is our time up? is that it?……
every conversation turns into disaster…..every debate ends in the blame game…..so I decide to be quiet…..it makes him uneasy….so we talk…and then we argue….so he decides to be quiet…..and it makes me uneasy…so we talk….and then we argue…..
I pray and I feel good! I am actually not even upset….but even with all of the faith inside my soul….I can’t see me living like this for years to come…..I just want peace…..does that mean I have to live alone and focus on my spiritual growth? Maybe that should have come first before marriage…you think??!! and the kids too!…..We don’t have any together but I brought in 3 and him 4.
Is there some growing on both parts that maybe should be considered apart? Do you stick it out for the sake of your vow before God……
I hear about 10-20-30 year marriages and you couldn’t pay me to believe we wouldn’t accomplish this easily! it’s a horrible awakening when you spend every spoken moment over-thinking your statements as they may hinder you from having a beautiful day…..
This is my rant for the evening…..It’s time for me to pray and close my eyes….tomorrow I prepare to be awakened to the sounds of the work bell……and hope that this post is a horrible dream….
Okay so in today’s frustrating news….my husband and I find out that not only has his ‘unofficial baby mama’ – in this case this is what I have no choice to call her…..has reached out to his mom and brother. Now this we don’t have a problem with. But now everyone seems to be taking ‘shots’ at him with lame parenting remarks ….yep…his own family has taken it ‘there’…..
What I am having a hard time understanding is how a woman from 13 years ago show up from hundreds of miles away and claim to have a child by your relative and you immediately take them in? Especially, when in fact he does have a daughter that resides in the same city as the mom and brother that no one takes the time to see about………kinda makes you wonder what the real issue is huh?……
Oh-No! but that’s not it!! I have been thrown in the loop as the trifling wife who is speaking for my husband….Lord, help me…..so I married my husband one year ago May 6, 2011. I have supported him and encouraged him to be the person God has intended him to be (without taking credit!) God placed someone who loves him unconditionally in his life to be his voice of reason…because with his temper and attitude before he met me…he may not have made it this far (but I’m trifling) – yikes!! (how does that happen…)
Anywhoo…yes…I do try to mediate certain circumstances because I can keep my cool in heated situations…this is what I do nowadays….I write…sometimes until the carpal tunnel sets in…….
So again, the woman sends me a text (because SHE decided it was best she talk to me) asking me if we paid for the DNA test….My response was yes, actually we went to the courthouse, filed for joint custody and requested a child support amount so that we can knock everything out in one shot…..no response…..
then 4 hours later have the daughter (13) who has been on facebook thanking uncle so-and-so and grandma (who don’t even see their biological niece/grand-daughter) talking about her ‘daddy’ don’t want to be apart of her life and thank God for her uncle and Grandma during her time of need!!! – Lord, give me strength….the uncle (my husband’s brother is responding like yeah my niece….blah blah blah -blah blah blah blah …….blah!
Really?! We both spoke to this child and the mom and said we didn’t want it to be detrimental to the child believing he is her dad and the test proves other wise….what the hell harm is there in that?!?!
The woman has admitted to my my husband and I that they indeed are not sure if he is the father….BUT- Oh wait!!! ….she isn’t telling anyone else that (of course)
…and guess what….because he is married….with a wife….who is his equal counterpart and is included in everything….as a husband/wife relationship should be…….NOBODY has called to hear my side, his side, or our side….however order they want to respect us……….
It is definitely confirmed in my book that even family can either consciously or subconsciously wish upon your downfall…..
Sometimes….I want to walk away….just to see if they would treat my husband just a little bit better…..maybe I am the cause of it all…..maybe if I didn’t care for my husband and his well being….he could move to where they are and get better advice from them……but then he reminds me…..that before me……he did live there….with them….and with others…..and he has never made sane and responsible decisions in situations where he was emotionally bound by the shackles of devastation….and it calms me…it lets me know that I am doing what God placed me in his life to do…….
Meanwhile…I guess we sit back….and wait for the flag to be thrown on the play……
either he is the father and we will proceed with getting to know his daughter and including her in our family…..OR……he is not the father and we will move on….more humble than we started this journey….
…either way…with no regrets of the past and no hatred for the passed judgement on our name….
…may God continue to allow me to shed tears and anger through my writing because I am a looooooooonnnnnggggg way from where I used to be….but I am learning that the devil will use any and everyone that he can to get to you and try to keep your focus off track…..
I have alot of insight into my in-laws and their ways of life….but I refuse to take shots out of revenge….I will continue to reach out to them for a truce (from whatever lies under the surface of their dislikes of me and/or my husband) and love them for who they are….
I understand that these are the people we need to love and pray for most…for the evil they put into the universe…..they don’t understand the seeds they sow……will build the deadliest bush around their doorstep….and before long….it will trap them inside….with the very evil they’ve fed over the years……
and now I can rest until the referee call……”FLAG ON THE PLAY!!”
Spiritual growth is not easy (in the beginning) a lot of sleepless nights, cold sweats and migraines. A lot of confronting your past mistakes and current flaws. Stripping your ego down to completely expose yourself and all your sinful ways. It is a journey (especially when the world around you is not ready – so they laugh, judge, ridicule you for choosing to grow beyond them….without them) Either your circle is very small or you are forced to feel alone. It’s not about religion…it’s not about church….for these things attached to your renewed spirit can make you greater……but they are NOTHING if your spirit is not in-tact……I was once told that faith without works is dead….but I also learned that activity is not always productivity……so I ask right back…..what is a bunch of works (in the church) without the spirit of Christ in everything you do? These are not rhetorical questions….I hope someone feels like speaking today :)….I’m trying to give you something to think about! What is giving thanks and praises when you can’t manage to sacrifice to do His will? That is like saying Thank you!….and then spitting on the person you just thanked…….(with a smile)….People will go out here and work,work,work,work,work…gotta pay these bills, gotta feed these kids, gotta get this outfit for my next event…..what about your eternal seat in heaven? My husband and I started a business that has made our living very, very comfortable in a short period of time…..but what is all of that working for….to pay a bill….to pay a car note?…meanwhile…the kids are getting older, we don’t even know their favorite colors, or shoes size….I mean sure we take them out for fun and dinner and shopping….but what does that do for them when they were given to us to enjoy our temporary assignment here on earth….and when we don’t know when any of us will be called home (so there are no emotional memories left behind with those who matters most……… What are we sacrificing for our final reward…our eternal reward…and what really matters?…….time for a different strategy to live……..
So, today I decided to blog uncut and unscripted footage of a typical day with my angels. Literally one minute before I began taping I told my 9 year old daughter that she could interview me with whatever she wanted to talk about.
I am caught off guard at the paparazzi-style questions from my own daughter but as promised I answer them honestly and uploaded to share with you all.
The beauty in parenting is knowing that your raising and teaching is not in vain. I am quite impressed with my daughters interview and I hope that you all get a kick out of this video
As I sit with my husband and vibe to old-school R&B….we wonder where the ‘love’ has gone. Not the ordinary “I love you” kinda love….but the “I love me!” love. Love that doesn’t settle for anything that comes along. We go out daily (we work together as well) and we see so many women that have lost their way. Women of today are miserable and it shows. They hide behind 14 inches of hair (that God did not intend for them to have) eyelashes that window-washes their forehead in a thunderstorm and toddler size clothes.
It’s a sad sight that this is what is raising our future Queens. Our women have placed a brass stripper pole where our thrones used to be. Turned our crowns into red, blue, and orange weaves. When will they be honest with themselves and look into the mirror- pull of the mask of lies- and confront the reality first hand.
Media has made a mockery of our BBW (beautiful big-boned women) making them feel unworthy of finding love and happiness within themselves. They have found comfort in the arms of other women – acting in a man’s capacity- filling a selfish void.
When did our women fall short of the glory of God and His teachings? When did women allow society to tell them how they should look, feel, and act to be accepted?
I love who I am. I love my size. I love my personality. I love my beautiful sisters. I hope they can find true love within themselves….for no person can find true love and happiness until they first love themselves…….Much love ~Defyne~